it's too late to fuck the internet up more than it already is
"'Allo Poppet!!"
"...nothing gives more pleasure than shocking the pleasure center several times repeatedly..."
Mrs. Tanner's mother: if you ever come home with a hicky we'll skin you alive. we don't believe that you ran into a jagged metal pole and we don't think that's a scar on your neck!
Tanner: Mom...it's bleeding and turning purple!!!
"A man came up to me and said 'i'd like to change your mind. by hitting it with a rock' he said 'though i am not unkind'..."
mom: i found this condom while folding your clothes
me: -shit shit shit....-
mom: are you having sex?
me: ......
"you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray"
"parlulululu....?"
"sthumpu!!!"
"nakku padi peda peda assulu vwoonai!!"
"bunga!!!"
"hey we both have something in common!! we both love ketchup and we both have eyebrows!!!"
"god god god god god god god god god god god god god (is it in vain yet?)"
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life.....but then....so was yesterday. and look how bad you screwed THAT up!"
"when life gives you lemons make lemonade"
"i believe that gay marriage should be between a man
and a woman" (what an imbacile)
"dont get mad, get glad!" (also by an imbacile)
"When life gives you lemons....stuff em in your bra....can't hurt....might help..."
"whan life gives you lemons make grapejuice. then sit
there wondering how the hell you got grapejuice from
lemons."
what do you do when you:
-have a tiny cat
-have a huge lemon
-are very drunk
-are watching the superbowl
-drank too many martinis
read between the lines
You cram these words in mine ears against the stomache of my sense"
"Go thou, and fill another room in hell"
"She is spherical, like globe. I could find out countries in her"
"But he has not so much brain as earwax..."
"A pox o' your throat! You bawling, blasphemous, incharitable dog!"
"I can never see him but i am heart-burned an hour after."
"More of your conversation would infect my brain...."
"His face is the worst thing about him"
"Her beauty and her brain go not together"
Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!"
"Direct thy feet were thou and i henceforth may never meet"
"What fools these mortals be"
"A rascal, an eater of broken meats, a base, proud, shallow, beggardly, three-suited, hundred-pount, filthy,-worsted-stocking knave...and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel...one whome i will beat into clamourous whining if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition."
"For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen."
"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
"He inched his way up the corridor as if he would rather be yarding his way down it..."
"I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."
"If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandonded this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."
"If somebody thinks they're a hedgehog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves."
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
"It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too."
"Many men of course became extremely rich, but this was perfectly
natural and nothing to be ashamed of because no one was really poor, at least no one worth speaking of."
"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
"`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?'
`Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For what offence?'
Trillian frowned.`What do you mean, offence?'
`I see.'"
"`What's been happening here?' he demanded.
`Oh just the nicest things, sir, just the nicest things. can I sit onyour lap please?'"
"`Colin, I am going to abandon you to your fate.'
`I'm so happy.'"
"`It will be very, very nasty for you, and that's just too bad. Got it?'
`I gurgle with pleasure.'"
"`She hit me on the head with the rock again.'
`I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.'
`Sweet kid.'
`You have to get to know her,' said Arthur.
`She eases up does she? '
`No,' said Arthur, `but you get a better sense of when to duck.'"
"So after a hectic week of believing that war was peace, that good was bad, that the moon was made of blue cheese, and that God needed a lot of money sent to a certain box number, the Monk started to believe that thirty-five percent of all tables were hermaphrodites, and then broke down."
"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped thechronicler's mind."
"`...we might as well start with where your hand is now.'
Arthur said, `So which way do I go?'
`Down,' said Fenchurch, `on this occaision.'
He moved his hand.
`Down,' she said, `is in fact the other way.'
`Oh yes.'"
"`... then I decided that I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.'
Arthur cleared his throat, and then did it again. `Where,' he said, `did you...?'
`Find a gin and tonic?' said Ford brightly. `I found a small lake that thought it was a gin and tonic, and jumped in and out of that. At least,I think it thought it was a gin and tonic.' 'I may,' he added with a grin which would have sent sane men scampering into the trees, `have been imagining it.'"
"He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his hair. He spread his arms out wide. `I will go mad!' he announced."
"He believed in a door. He must find that door. The door was the way to... to...
The Door was The Way.
Good.
Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to."
"`Well, I hope you had a lousy evening.'
`I did,' said Richard. `You wouldn't have liked it. There was a horse in the bathroom, and you know you hate that sort of thing.'"
"Richard was loking at the bird as if it was the most extraordinary thing he had ever seen in his life, and the bird was looking at Richard as if defying him to find its beak even remotely funny."
"`If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.'"
"`Could we perhaps take a snake bite detector with us to Komodo?'
`Course you can, course you can. Take as many as you like. Won't do you a blind bit of good because they're only for Australian snakes.'
`So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?'
He blinked at me as if I was stupid.
`Well what do you think you do?' he said. `You die of course. That'swhat deadly means.'"
"Virtually everything we were told in Indonesia turned out not to betrue, sometimes almost immediately. The only exception to this was whenwe were told that something would happen immediately, in which case itturned out not to be true over an extended period of time."
"Komodo dragons sleep headfirst in large burrows. It is a very, very,very bad idea to even think of pulling its tail."
"`There was one kea nest that was found which the birds had started tobuild in 1958. In 1965 they were still sorting it out and adding bits toit but hadn't actually moved in yet. Bit like you in that respect.'"
"The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate."
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on
CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children
We apologize for the error in last week's paper
in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them. ----George Bush
We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.
I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
You can't just let nature run wild.
The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity.
We are not ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur
Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that
is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well,
all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation
It is wonderful to be here today in the great state of Chicago
Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a better defense
Do not adjust your mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning
The chances of your dying on the trip to buy your MegaBucks ticket is greater than your chance of winning.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it
Happiness can't buy money
There's a reason not to do anything that there is to do
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers
Our economy is simply the trade of paper or nothing at all for other things which may or may not be paper
If God intented man to smoke, he would've set him on fire
Foe: I finally learned how to do it correctly!
Fow: And i learned how to do it incorrectly!!
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted and used against you."
"Shat!"
"I'm like a superhero with no powers or motivation."
"100% pure nothing"
"growl!"
"f-word!"
"fuzz!"
"Bleh!"
"Mind over matter. I don't mind because you don't matter."
"I've never had a major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
bryon: wanna go get some ice cream? will that make you feel better?
stewy: -shakes head-
bryon: wanna go to McDonalds?
stewy: -shakes head-
bryon: wanna go take a dump in mother maggy's shoes?
stewy: -nods head-
bryon: come on. lets go take a dump in mother Maggy's shoes.
"oh my god i was flat!"
"I'm po! i can't afford the O R!"
"I looked up the word politics in the dictionary. It's actually a combination of two words:
poli which means many, and tics which means bloodsuckers."
"isn't is grand? don't you approve?"
"BIIIIIITCH!!!"
Stephen: Symphonic....
me: .....damnit!!!
"you uuuuugly!!!"
no one cares enough to read my profile
fish head! (just trying to see if you people are still awake)
"the rear ends justify the means!"
"I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me"
"the pipes, the pipes are calling"
"I'm a monkey!"
"A story about an idiot....well....there's not much more to say..."
